It is 3am and you are awake again. The house is quiet, and your thoughts are not. Perhaps you are replaying a conversation, listening for a sound that is no longer there, or simply lying with a weight on your chest.
Broken sleep is one of the most common physical sides of grief, and it is rarely talked about. Grief is not felt only in the mind. The body holds it too, and a body that has braced itself against loss can find it very hard to switch off.
Why does grief affect sleep?
Shock and sorrow keep the nervous system on alert, as if something still needs watching for. During the day there are tasks and people to keep the feelings at a distance. At night those things fall away, and everything you held back all day is free to arrive.
Some people cannot fall asleep at all. Others fall asleep easily and wake at the same hour every night. For many, the empty side of the bed or the silence of a house that used to have another person in it makes the night the hardest part of the day.
Why do I dream about the person who died?
Dreams after a loss can be vivid, strange and hard to predict. Some people dream of the person as they were, and wake comforted. Others dream that the death has not happened, and the moment of waking brings the loss back all over again.
Neither is a sign that something is wrong. The mind is still holding the relationship, and dreams are one of the places it does so. If a dream stays with you, it can help to write it down in the morning, or to tell someone about it.
What can help when grief keeps you awake?
There is no cure for a grieving night, but some small things can soften it. Try not to fight the wakefulness. Lying there angry at yourself for being awake tends to make it longer.
Keep a lamp and a notebook by the bed. If a thought keeps circling, writing it down can let it rest until morning. A warm drink, a quiet song or a slow walk around the house can help some people. Be gentle with your mornings, and with the tiredness that follows.
When should I speak to my GP?
If sleeplessness goes on for weeks, or begins to affect your health, your work or your safety, it is worth telling your GP. Poor sleep after a loss deserves proper attention, and asking for help with it is not a failure.
If the nights are the hardest part of what you are carrying, I offer a free 15-minute introductory call. There is no pressure, no obligation, and no need to have the right words ready. It is simply a chance to see how it feels.
This writing is reflective and informational. It is not therapy or therapeutic advice.