Beyond the Five Stages: Modern Approaches to Grief and Bereavement

Navigating loss is one of the most profound challenges we face. For many of us, the traditional idea of "getting over it" feels not only impossible but also insensitive to the depth of our experiences. In my own journey, I’ve learned that grief isn’t a mountain to climb and leave behind, but a landscape we learn to inhabit.

Modern grief theory has shifted away from "closure" and toward integration. We don't move on from grief; we move forward with it.

While the Elisabeth Kübler-Ross model, comprising denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, remains the most famous, it was originally designed to describe those facing their own terminal illness. Grief is rarely a linear path of checkboxes. Below, I look at models that embrace the individual, messy, and enduring nature of loss.

1. Growing Around Grief (Tonkin’s Model)

Many of us worry that our grief "should" be getting smaller over time, and when it doesn't, we feel like we are failing at healing. Dr Lois Tonkin's model offers a beautiful reframe: the grief doesn't actually disappear or shrink; instead, we continue to live regardless of it and learn not to make it the centre of our lives. Imagine a circle representing your grief. Rather than that circle getting smaller, your life, your experiences, new relationships, and moments of joy grow larger around it. It’s a perspective that validates that our pain remains valid and present, even as we find room to breathe again.

2. The Dual Process Model (Stroebe & Schut)

Grief is exhausting because it requires a constant "oscillation." Developed by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut, this model recognises that grieving is a fluid and dynamic process of moving between two worlds: Loss-Orientation (experiencing the grief, focusing on the deceased) and Restoration-Orientation (coping with life changes, doing new things). I find this resonates because it acknowledges that we experience grief in "small doses". It’s okay to take a "break" from your grief to focus on daily life; in fact, this movement between the pain and the practical is a natural part of a "humane" process.

3. Continuing Bonds (Klass, Silverman, & Nickman)

Introduced in 1996, the Continuing Bonds (CB) model fundamentally questioned older, linear models that suggested we must "sever" ties with the deceased. This approach acknowledges that grief is ongoing and stays with us forever. It normalises behaviours that others might find "stuck," such as holding onto items, keeping a room intact, or even having internal conversations with a loved one. We don’t leave them behind; we carry them with us throughout our lives. It turns the act of remembering from a symptom of "not moving on" into a source of comfort and adjustment.

4. Meaning Reconstruction (Robert Neimeyer)

Loss often shatters our sense of how the world works. In an interview with Bob Neimeyer, he discusses how our roots, language, and culture have a massive impact on how we process death. This approach focuses on making meaning out of the loss. It is a very personal journey where we try to understand the "why", not necessarily in a cosmic sense, but in a way that helps us integrate the person we lost into the story of who we are becoming. When we feel that a person has left behind a memory that shaped us, that feeling can eventually ease the pain.

5. Worden’s Tasks of Mourning

William Worden proposes a "task" model rather than a "step" model, which I find empowers the bereaved person to take an active role in their own process. His four tasks involve:

• Accepting the reality of the loss.

• Processing the pain of grief.

• Adjusting to a world without the deceased.

• Finding an enduring connection while embarking on a new life.

  While some might find it a bit "mechanical" or structured, it can be a vital framework for those who feel lost and need a sense of direction to avoid getting "stuck".

Why Culture and Support Matter

How we grieve is deeply personal, but it is never done in a vacuum. Cultural differences and rituals play a massive role in how we understand and process death. This is where counselling can be so transformative. It provides a safe, supportive space to express the most painful feelings, including suicidal ideations that can often arise from deep isolation, without judgment. Whether through the empathy of a therapist or the shared experience of a support group, having a network helps us navigate the "unreality" of loss until we can stand on our own again.

Recommended Reading

If you are looking for contemporary perspectives on loss, these five books are excellent companions available in the UK:

"Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death and Surviving" by Julia Samuel: Samuel, a leading UK psychotherapist, uses case studies to illustrate that grief is a fluid process rather than a set of linear steps. The book echoes the modern understanding that we must integrate loss into our lives rather than simply "getting over it".

"You Are Not Alone: A New Way to Grieve" by Cariad Lloyd - Based on her popular Griefcast podcast, Lloyd’s book bridges the gap between personal memoir and a practical guide. It strongly supports the Continuing Bonds model, normalising behaviours like keeping habits or talking to the deceased as healthy ways to "carry them with us" throughout our lives.

"With the End in Mind" by Kathryn Mannix - A palliative care doctor with decades of experience, Mannix demystifies the physical and emotional process of dying. Her work helps readers "face the reality" of death (Worden's Task 1) and provides a safe space for the "most painful feelings" to be expressed and understood.

"The Wild Edge of Sorrow" by Francis Weller - Weller moves away from the "clinical" and looks at grief through a more soulful, communal lens. He discusses the "Geography of Sorrow" and the importance of ritual, which aligns with Bob Neimeyer’s focus on the cultural and ritualistic aspects of processing loss.

The Grieving Brain" by Mary-Frances O'Connor -If you are interested in why grief feels so physical and disorienting, this is a fascinating read. O'Connor examines the neurobiology of grief, explaining how our brains struggle to map a world in which a loved one is suddenly missing. It provides a scientific backbone to Worden’s Tasks and the "unreality" of loss.